Thursday, December 15, 2005

Dear Inconsiderate caller.

In the lines of the Dear Hutch post, a few other callers must, I believe, be sent a missive.

Dear Credit card divisions of HSBC, HDFC, ABN Amro, StandardChartered, SBI and the unfortunate others who I put on hold forever,

I have a credit card. I don't want another credit card. I do not need to transfer the balance from one card to the other, in case my screaming it out on the phone did not get to you. Your offering me a free credit card is not a favour. I will never understand why, when you call me, you ask "Who's this sir?". You called me in the first place goddamit, you need to know who I am. I don't want a home loan. I do not EVER want a "lifetime free card" simply because you have irritated the hell out of me. If you ever get the feeling I'm too brusque, it's on purpose. If I ask you to call a "few months later", don't. Be a nice flower and every once in a while, wither away and die.


Dear Country Club,

I am already a member. So I don't need your grubby membership call. I also don't want to upgrade every six months, to be able to visit a new club in Timbuktoo, which I usually avoid because of the bad roads. When you say "How are you, sir?" when I say hello, it does not "bond" with me, I become suspicious. When I ask "How much?", please just say how much so I can refuse with budgetary constraints. Even Rs. 5 is too much for me.

Dear Direct Selling Agent of anything,

Please don't call me. I don't want insurance. I don't want a term money back endowment unit linked plan that will help me have better sex. And no, I don't need a car loan. My car may be a 2002 model, but that does not mean I need a new one. I have a mobile phone, a fridge and every bloody accessory you can think of. I don't want a personal loan - what would I do with a person? If you want to give me money, I accept only cash. Please send small denominations, in brown paper bags.

Dear Person who puts leaflets in newspapers,

You miserable oaf. I open my newpaper in the loo. I read it every frikking day out there and when I get to page 2, a leaflet falls to the ground. I hate it. Even if I try to shake out the leaflets earlier, one of them stays behind. Why don't you bloody STAPLE the darn things to the newspaper? Oh yes, and I don't want to earn money from home, or home from money, or whatever. I don't think you care. I know I would willingly burn that person's house down so he won't have a house to earn money from. And hopefully, will shut the fuck up.

Dear TV channels,

Nobody likes advertisements. Everybody likes content. It would do you less harm if you gave us more content and less ads. And I mean good content.

"Aaj chandni chowk mein bomb...break ke baad"
(370 advertisements)
"To jaise humne kaha, Aaj chandni chowk mein bombay handloom house ke peeche ek dhamaka...break ke baad"
(298 advertisements)
"bombay handloom house ke peeche ek dhamake se sonia gandhi ke kutte ke dayine paanv mein chot aayi. Baaki news break ke baad"

Nobody likes this. Nobody. If we watched your channel continuously our brain would be jelly by now. You must try it. Wait. Maybe you have.

That feels slightly better.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for echoing my own thoughts 100%! I'd like to cc your post to every damn telemarketer who ever calls me. God bless you for taking the time to vent and putting your thoughts down!

1:41 PM, December 22, 2005  

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